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Comedians Toby Halligan and Mathew Kenneally reveal the internal workings of Federal Parliament with their exclusive access to diary entries from within the halls of power.
WEDNESDAY 13 AUGUST 2014

Enjoying delightful mid-winter break. Very quiet in electoral office.

Never thought I’d say this but looking forward to getting back to Canberra. Got Centrelink reform to work on. 

THURSDAY 14 AUGUST 2014

7:30am

Arrive in Canberra, picked up by regular com-car driver Gaylen. He’s a real character. Classic scot, always joking around.

Ask Gaylen how he’s going.

Gaylen says he’s utterly terrified. Has no idea what he’s doing. After all, as a poor fella, he doesn’t get to use one of these horseless carriage things at home.

Ask Gaylen this is about Hockey isn’t it?

Gaylen dinnae ken what I’m talking about. Asks me what the big circular thing in front of him is for.

Tell Gaylen the Treasurer chose his words poorly…

Gaylen looks down at his feet, tells me he thinks one of the pedals makes it go forward and one of them makes it fly, but he’s not sure.

Gaylen bunny hops the car out of Canberra airport.

9:30am

15 minute drive takes 2 hours. Dropped off at bottom of hill, have to walk rest of way to office.

10:00am

Hockey in. Is entirely unapologetic. Says his comments are backed by facts and he’s not afraid to tell harsh truths. Age of entitlement is over, and that includes entitlement to not hear things you don’t want to hear.   

Point out that there’s no proof that the poor actually drive shorter distances.

Hockey not worried, has Treasury guys working on that one. Those stat guys can prove anything with stats.

Concerned Hockey has misunderstood purpose of both Treasury and stats.

10:15am

Credlin explodes into office. Asks if Hockey’s still being an idiot.

Explain our conversation. Credlin: “Damn it!”

Credlin needs me to talk to Hockey. Tell Hockey if we only voiced opinion backed by facts we'd be voted out immediately! Joe doesn't get to pick and choose which of his comments are backed by facts. What about his comments that the Australian economy is nearing collapse? Or claims carbon tax would destroy small business? Lots of things he's said have been fact free and good for government. No reason to reverse policy on facts now.

Ask Credlin why I have to fix it. Credlin says “You touch it you keep it.”

3:00pm

Trying to read massive Centrelink report before I meet Hockey. It’s scattered all over the office.

Maurice Newman, Chair of Business Advisory Council, comes in with a staffer…

Thank Maurice for his time but insist I’m busy. Newman insists I sit down; needs to talk to me about future building issue: global cooling.

Remind Newman we have already abolished carbon tax.

Newman says he is concerned about Government inaction on global cooling. Clicks his finger. Newman’s assistant carries in large fan. Says he will demonstrate using the power of science. Points it at me. Newman puts in earplugs. Turns fan on. Fan blows everything off my desk. Ask him what he’s doing.

Newman asks me if I am “feeling cooler”. According to Newman “if this little fan could make me cooler what could thousands of giant wind farms do to the planet”. Since his granddaughter showed him how The Google works he's been doing some research. Newman insists his crusade against windfarms is not about him, it’s about stopping an ice age. Wants funding to do a report – needs me to take it to Abbott.

Ask Newman why he wears ear plugs. Says he has read research on The Google that windfarms cause cancer.

Tell Newman that we cannot afford this distraction right now. Promise to think about it provided he does not go to media. Newman says we’re talking about another ice age; he won’t bargain with me. Says he’s going to leave the fan to help me think about it. Tapes buttons so I can’t turn it off.

5:00pm

Finally meet with Hockey. Hockey arguing that he was right. Just because he’s wealthy and likes cigars doesn’t mean people get to push him around.

6:00pm

Hockey still won’t apologise. Trying to argue on technicalities… Hockey’s never good on technicalities.

7:00pm

Hockey now coming up with ideas that’ll make it worse, like expressing regret that people misinterpreted his statement. God this is bad.

Decide there’s only one way to change his mind.

Call Gaylen.

10:00pm

Sitting with Hockey at Civic Bus interchange waiting for night bus. Hockey crying. Cannot believe that Gaylen would call him “a self-entitled, evil, fat cat”. Hockey will apologise tomorrow. If Gaylen’s typical, he’s in real trouble.

FRIDAY 15 AUGUST 2014

10:00am

Hockey apologises, tells people he is not evil. But doesn’t cry. All in all, a win.

Have cleaners disassemble fan. 

12:00pm

Take Gaylen to lunch to repay him for help with Hockey. Abbott on radio declaring that the Scottish independence movement are against freedom and democracy. Gaylen slowly turns to me…

Aye, so I’m an enemy of freedom am I?

Phone rings… Credlin needs me to talk to Abbott.

Tell Gaylen I may need him to take us for another drive…




Published at The Monthly:
http://www.themonthly.com.au/blog/toby-halligan-and-mat-keneally/2014/12/2014/1407826169/open-letter-senators-brandis-and-abetz


MONDAY 26 MAY 2014

9:00am

Back in Canberra for post-budget sitting week – morale is very low. We are really struggling to sell budget. I have not been able to sell it to my own mother. She is very concerned about co-payment, particularly for seriously ill cousin Billy.

9:30am

Party room meeting: Abbott emphasises discipline and staying on message.

Bernardi yells “Why does the ABC still exist”. Abbott thanks Bernardi for excellent example of what not to do.

Hockey demands we all be across the detail.

Abbott approaches me, wants me to come to budget emergency strategy meeting in Parliamentary basement.

7:00pm

Arrive at meeting room. As I enter am hit by wave of smoke. Cormann and Hockey are puffing away on cigars. Abbott is there wearing oxygen mask. Cormann tells me to close the door or I’ll set off the sprinklers.

Hockey explains they cannot be seen smoking Cubans outside. Abbott explains he cannot afford to inhale smoke. Will not allow being PM to compromise his cycling times.

Hockey and Abbott want me to lead negotiations with Senate. Say I have two advantages: (a) Cross-bench Senators do not hate me; (b) Palmer does not know who I am.

8:00pm

As I leave I set off the fire-alarm. Cormann and Hockey leg it. I’m left to take responsibility for all the Cubans. Security Guard’s eyes widen when I explain I had smoked 28 Cubans. Says he hasn’t seen someone this hardcore since Hawkie.

9:00pm

Open budget papers; study time.

10:00pm

Mum calls; asks if I have an answer for cousin Billy.

1:00am

Finish studying. Don’t want to disappoint Hockey.

TUESDAY 27 MAY 2014

8:00am

Call Hockey, give details of Cousin Billy’s chronic illnesses. Hockey assures me once cousin Billy is on a healthcare plan he will be fine.

8:20am

Call Mum, assure her cousin Billy has nothing to worry about.

9:30am

Abbott Press Secretary (APS) suggests I start with Motoring Enthusiast/Palmer United’s Ricky Muir.

9:45am

Call Ricky. Strange conversation. He answered as Ricky, then, when I said I was calling on behalf of government, he claimed he was in fact Mickey Muir, Ricky’ cousin. Then he said Ricky was working at the sawmill. When I asked why, Mickey got irate and told me “Look mate, I’ve got a family to feed, and so does Mickey - we’ve both got families to feed and only one job between us” before hanging up.

Told APS Ricky Muir could not speak because of work. APS smiled, looking forward to leaking to media!

10:00am

Call Sawmill. Sawmill bloke laughs, says Ricky is not rostered on. His father Micky called in earlier today to say he was sick.

4:00pm

Mum calls. Has been working on figures with Knitting Circle. Knitting Circle is unanimous - Treasurer’s information was inaccurate. They have called the AMA to confirm. The Knitting Circle would like clarification from Hockey or may be forced to put out a press release.

5:00pm

Call Hockey’s office. Explain Knitting Circle’s findings. Hockey’s Chief of Staff laughs, says he’s pretty sure Treasury is across something so important but he’ll check.

5:37pm

Hockey’s Chief of Staff calls. Has identified a gaping hole in policy. Needs to know cousin Billy’s age, income, relationship status, his assets, whether he is the beneficiary of any private trusts, and Medicare Number.

6:10pm

Hockey calls back. They are going to need faxed copy of Medicare card.

6:30pm

Receive four page memorandum from Hockey’s Chief of Staff. Includes bar graph. He is happy to take cousin Billy’s call.

Executive summary: “the visits are free for any conditions directly or partially related to your chronic health conditions as detailed in your healthcare plan. For conditions unrelated to your chronic conditions they will not be exempt. For further clarification please seek legal advice”

9:00pm

E-mail memo to APS. APS shares my concerns about lack of clarity. APS says “this is our birthday cake moment.” Agree with APS but say this is worse. You can live without birthday cake, not Doctor.

WEDNESDAY 28 MAY 2014

7:00am

APS has sent out strongly worded e-mail prohibiting any MPs from answering any questions regarding co-payment. APS has told MPs “We need to give voters time to digest policy before we start explaining it”.

9:00am

Mum calls, wants answers. Explain to mum that due to media’s misinformation campaign I am not allowed to discuss policy. Mum explains the only reason media has been spreading misinformation is because they have been quoting the Treasurer.

12:30pm

Try to call Muir again. Muir’s phone re-directs to Palmer. Ask Palmer if I can arrange meeting.

Palmer says he cannot meet until we apologise to Ricky Muir for leaking that
he told the PM he was at work. Palmer explains Muir had told sawmill he was meeting
with PM. Palmer says all negotiations off until apology. Informs me he already raised his concerns with Malcolm Turnbull at dinner that night.

Point out that Turnbull is part of Abbott government. Palmer laughs and says “No he’s not!”

4:00pm

Meet with Greens. Sarah Hanson-Young in attendance unexpectedly. Hate it when that happens. SMS staffer to send earplugs.

Sarah Hansen-Young is wearing a “Fuck Tony Abbott” T-shirt. Ask her whether that’s productive. Hansen-Young asks me whether torturing refugees on Manus Island is productive.

Explain that I am not here to discuss migration policy, but budget proposals the Greens are willing to support.

Greens will support fuel excise. Will not support anything else until Coalition promises to keep carbon tax.

[Long pause]

Milne and Bandt apologise. Hanson-Young just follows them around. They’ll support fuel excise, and while they have nothing against me personally, pretty sure that’s it.

7:00pm

Mum calls. Cousin Billy is very concerned that his university debt will start incurring interest retrospectively. Explain to Mum that is absurd. Mum suggests I check website.

7:30pm

Website does appear to say something that is different to policy.

Call Pyne, Pyne says website is wrong. Ask Pyne if cousin Billy will pay interest. Pyne says he will need to know where cousin Billy studied, when he graduated, his current address, and then be given a week to calculate answer.

Decide to order Billy a cake to make up for all the fuss. Call Mum. Reminds me that Billy’s chronic condition is diabetes. Really need to keep across the detail.

Mathew Kenneally and Toby Halligan are performing this Saturday night at the Melbourne Town Hall!

Check it out:
http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2014/season/shows/late-night-riot-political-asylum


WEDNESDAY 26th OF JUNE 2013

7:00AM

Wake up. Have great motivational chat with wife. Am determined to focus on positive. I WILL have policy discussion with media.

7:30AM

Press conference. Declare from outset that I am not interested in speaking about leadership in any way shape or form, I’m talking policy.

Fairfax journo says fine. Asks me if Gonski can go ahead with only two states.

Pass.

Asks how the surplus is going?

Ignore question.

Asks me how we are going to stop the boats?

Declare that I support PM and media needs to stop focusing on the leadership.

Storm off.

11:00AM

Fitzgibbon in – hands me envelope. It’s an invitation to the “Future of Australia”. Invitation is written on stained napkin.

Also inside, petition to spill leadership. Throw it to one side of room. Run out of room, should not even be in the same room as this. Realise Fitzgibbon is now alone in my office. Run back in room.

Fitzgibbon says Kevin’s got the numbers. We’ve got a meeting in half an hour – come hang out – no pressure, no expectations.

11:45AM

At Camp Rudd. Do not know half of these people. Apparently they are all backbenchers; really should turn around in question time more often.

12:30PM

Now I know why I never speak to backbenchers. Every conversation starts with “So, what’s your margin?”

Ask Fitzgibbon where Rudd is?

Fitzgibbon says Rudd is busy recording a video message in Mandarin to a conference in China on macro-economic policy on South-East Asia. Also has a phone hook-up with Mal Meninga to discuss Queensland’s tactics before Origin II.

12:45PM

Bob Katter is here.

12:50PM

Katter pulls out guitar, bursts into own version of Slim Dusty’s “I’d love to have a beer with Kevin”.

Escape.

4:30PM

Shorten in.

Tell Shorten he looks terrible.

Shorten says he feels terrible.

Ask if it’s because he’s still struggling to make a decision.

Shorten says it’s because he has made decision.

5:00PM

Whoaa, it is totally on. Gillard calling spill for 7PM? Typical Victorian: State of Origin ruined.

5:30PM

Discuss issue with wife. Wife suggests I stay loyal to Gillard. Explain that means electoral destruction.

Wife unwilling to explain to daughter why I brought down first female Prime Minister, if I want to that’s FINE.

6:00PM

Vote in just one hour. Have got to make call. Walking packs will be gathering. Don’t want to walk alone.

6:46PM

Shorten doing presser. Praising Gillard as always!

6:48PM

Shorten just backed Rudd. Holy crap.

7:00PM

Meeting starts. Gillard speech okay, still not sure who to back.

7:15PM

Rudd finishes speaking, Counted over 50 cliches in his speech. Ended saying we need to “cook with gas”. That’s it: I’m backing Gillard.

7:20PM

Rudd has won. Yes! Time for Origin.

7:21PM

No… time for Gillard farewell speech.

8:00PM.

Richo texts. Wants to know who has won. Text Richo will trade him details for regular Origin scores.

8:05PM

Text from Richo. Richo won’t be blackmailed. Richo will decide if my information is worth Origin scores or not. Text Richo that Rudd is PM.

8:15PM

Richo texts “I knew that at 7:30PM. To be fair I will give you the Origin score at 7:30PM – Nil – Nil.”

8:30PM

S#!t we have to vote on the deputy leadership, and the leader of the Senate, and the deputy leader of the Senate.

8:35PM

Phew, Labor factions have fixed up all positions. Quick vote. Definitely have a place in Labor party, now for the second half of origin!

9:30PM

Gathering in Gillard office with her camp; good times. Beers, conversation, not one discussion of polls! Origin on in background – pity about the Blues.

Cavalcade of Ministers are resigning. Don’t think I will – happy to be kicked out by people.

11:30PM

Head to office.

Rudd is waiting. Wearing Maroons jersey. “Freshly signed by entire victorious Origin II team” he tells me. How is this even possible!? The man truly is a machine.

Rudd thanks me for supporting Gillard; was good she had someone.

Has knocked up some notes on education policy. Wants to know what I think.
                   
2:00AM

Rudd is still here. We are discussing the lessons of Hong Kong’s kindergarten system.

Rudd feels we’ve had a great chat, we’re really cooking with gas, but now, he’s gotta zip.

Wish the election was tomorrow!


Originally published at BigPond News.
Published at BigPond News:
http://bigpondnews.com/articles/Election-2013/2013/06/26/smfb_3.html
Published at BigPond News:
http://bigpondnews.com/articles/Election-2013/2013/06/21/diaryleans_mcc4.html