Family living in motel. Wife insisted insulation was not safe after watching news. Wife waiting for handyman to investigate if roof is electrified.
Wife extremely angry at Garrett. Quite a relief. Was not enjoying wife being off Liberal bandwagon – hope Abbott does not mention virginity ever again.
Arrive at Parliament
Secretary says Abbott, Minchin and Hunt all sent presents, Gin, Whiskey and work of art (bloody Hunt). Very suspicious.
Abbott jogs into office. Asks if I like gin. Thanks me for taking one for party. Says no time to talk, he’s mid time-trial and needs to keep heart rate up.
Not sure what Abbott is talking about.
Five Minutes Later
Abbott’s Press Secretary (APS) in. Gives me new phone to replace the one that he threw at the wall. Ask why everyone is giving me gifts. Says that party needs the support of Greens for Senate censure motion, and that everyone agrees I am best man for negotiations. Offer Press Secretary phone back. He refuses.
Ask why me.
Says I’m good at not offending people and least likely to assault Greens.
Ask APS if need to get across Minter Ellison report. APS says all I need to do is read The Australian’s summary of report.
Five Minutes Later
Read The Australian’s report on report. Horrified. Vote in favour of removing Garrett in online poll.
Lunchtime - Meeting with Greens
Greens negotiating party arrived. Hanson-Young and child.
Asked Hanson-Young if she is aware of child-care centres in Parliament House.
Hanson-Young asked me why I hate women so much. Did not respond.
Asked Hanson-Young if Greens will support censure of Garrett.
Hanson-Young said no Green support for censure motion unless Liberals support gay-marriage.
Asked how issues are connected. Hanson-Young said cannot negotiate with sexist and homophobic bigot.
Asked Hanson-Young if something other than gay marriage will lead to Greens supporting censure motion.
Hanson-Young explained history of sexism and homophobia and demanded apology. Long speech!
Asked Hanson –Young to please support censure motion.
Baby began crying. Hansen-Young became irate. Suggested to Hanson-Young that Secretary could take care of baby.
Hansen-Young became extremely irate.
Bob Brown arrived. Demanded to know what I did to Hanson-Young.
Hanson –Young demanded I apologise.
Brown seconded apology motion.
Apologised (uncertain why?)
Asked if Greens support censure motion.
Brown says yes.
Wife calls. Handyman says roof could be electrified.
More gifts. Shit.
Vintage port from Pyne, Tuckey sent hunting rifle, Julie Bishop sent autographed copy of her book.
Abbott jogs into office, gives thumbs up, jogs out.
APS in. Happy with censure motion negotiations. He had just been to doctor. Very relaxed. Says houses being electrified has done wonders for his blood pressure.
Ask why there are more gifts. Tells me as Minister for Future Building I must consult with environmentalists over climate change policy.
Thought we already had climate change policy. Also did not know we talked to environmentalists.
APS says it is important to consult with both sides.
Ask if I should report environmentalist’s views. APS says absolutely must not report environmentalist’s views. APS suggested I bring a book to “consultation”.
Hanson-Young glared at me for whole of question time.
Garrett censure motion passed!
Receive letter from Hanson-Young. She says she will take me to Human Rights and Equal Opportunities Commission for my comments at meeting yesterday.
Write to Hanson-Young. Apologise again. Wish I knew what for. Offer to press for extra child-care facilities in Parliament.
Morning - Party Meeting
Party room buoyant after Senate censure motion.
Still not enough chairs for everyone. Joyce said we can’t afford them. Hunt sitting next to Abbott now. Dutton sitting on floor.
Joyce says election will be won and lost on insulation.
Bronwyn Bishop proposes Royal Commission into Batt-gate.
Tuckey demanding police investigate Garrett for murder.
Turnbull reading Fahrenheit 451.
Abbott thanks everyone for suggestions. Asks everyone to calm down and leave fate of Garrett to The Australian.
Just finished meeting with climate change youth activists. Youth activists expressed views in 30 minute interpretative dance. Quite enjoyable. Think people may have been drowning with large mammal (moose?).
Told them I liked music. Apparently by Lady Gaga. Activists said she is feminist icon. Surprised that British peer is feminist icon. Told activists Queen is becoming more and more open minded. Activists confused.
Asked what they wanted specifically. Activists want all coal power-plants shut down immediately.
Promised to think about it.
Handyman fell off roof and broke leg while checking insulation. Wife wants personal apology from Garrett for handyman. Demands I ask question in Parliament.
Meeting with second group of environmentalists not very productive. Five activists in polar bear suits. All refused to speak. Read Dan Brown novel.
New letter from Hanson-Young. Upset about latest apology. Says call for extra child care shows I do not understand importance of mother-child time. Demands new apology.
Phone Wife about Hanson-Young. Wife offers to call Hansen-Young to clear air. Wife sure she can smooth things over.
30 Minutes Later
Christine Milne on phone. Says not appropriate to get wife to call female MPs. Accuses me of avoiding responsibility. Say very little. Greens like yelling, almost as much as Tuckey.
Hanson-Young and Milne both glaring. Brown also looking angry. Feign illness and leave question time early.
Third environmentalist is older than other activists, dressed in snow goose suit.
Secretary offers to call security before meeting. Say should be okay, but if she hears goose noises must interrupt meeting immediately.
Meeting with Gooseman surprisingly enjoyable. Gooseman wears suit to highlight threat posed to wildlife by warming.
Gooseman actually top scientist. Gooseman was at Copenhagen as media advisor to President of Maldives. Chatted to Gooseman about animal documentaries. Very interesting!
Ask Gooseman about Polar Bear guys. Gooseman says Polar Bear outfits are hack.
Many gifts in office. Consider taking sick day.
Abbott arrives, still wearing abseiling harness (weirder then lyrca – less revealing though). Says party is very grateful I dealt with greens. Says dealing with Greens now part of my portfolio.
Offer Abbott resignation. Abbott refuses.
Wife calls. Has received bill from handyman – comes to $9675. Wife furious at Garrett – asks me again to ask question in Parliament about bill.
Wife also wants apology from Hansen-Young for calling wife “collaborator in misogyny”.
Promise to raise question about Garrett in party room meeting. Tell wife would rather sleep on couch for rest of life then demand apology from Hanson-Young.
Garrett has been demoted but not sacked. Garrett now Minister with no responsibilities. Envy Garrett.