Labor Heavyweight - 19 to 26 July

MONDAY 19/07/10

Morning - Campaign Headquarters

Arrive for first day as campaign manager.

Spent morning running Prime Minister (PM) through hand-eye co-ordination tests. Always important for politicians to avoid dropping babies but, for Gillard, a 'baby bounce' would be catastrophic, empty fruit bowl and all.

Midday

Play game of paper, scissors, rock with National Secretary. Lose. Call Bob Brown to finalise preferences deal.

Brown says he hates backroom dealings.

Ask Brown if he wants Labor's preferences.

Brown says Labor's policies are gutless and shameful.

Ask Brown if he wants Labor's preferences.

Brown says that only the inherent flaws in the electoral system make such conversations necessary.

Ask Brown if he wants Labor's preferences and say if he doesn't I have Stephen Fielding on speed dial.

Brown just wants to be clear he doesn't enjoy speaking to me.

Inform Brown that, on that issue at least, we concur.

TUESDAY 20/07/10

Up at 5am. Prawn crackers for breakfast. Drink old coffee - pretty sure there was wine in there.

Meet people, people are annoying, hate people.

WEDNESDAY 21/07/10

Same as Tuesday, but no prawn crackers.

THURSDAY 22/07/10

Meeting to finalise climate change policy. Gillard suggests MyClimate website. Thinks that giving Australians the ability to go online to see how far underwater their house could be in 40 years, would really empower them. Faulkner wonders if it's wise to create a website that shows people's homes flooding, without proposing a policy to prevent flooding.

Faulkner against Citizen's Assemblies. Unclear why Parliament can't consult. Tell Faulkner that Citizen's Assemblies are a necessary step to help ignorant (ordinary) people learn about climate change issues. Assembly will do for climate change what MasterChef has done for cooking. We want people to look at the Assembly members and think, "If she can understand the CPRS, so can I".

Everyone agrees Citizen's Assembly is least worst option.

FRIDAY 23/07/10

Morning

Healthy breakfast: can of peaches and Cherry Ripe. Fruit salad!

Gillard did good job launching Citizen's Assembly. Finally put to rest accusations we have no climate change policy.

Evening

Bob Brown calls. Reconsidering preference deal in light of Citizen's Assembly. Ask Brown how other Greens Senators feel about impending unemployment? Brown asks if Greens voters will be in Assembly. Tell Brown that Greens are to real Australians what tofu is to meat.

Tell Brown that I don't care if Citizen's Assembly is unpopular. Sometimes you have to stand by your principles and ours is beating Tony Abbott.

Brown tells me that, on that issue at least, we concur.

SUNDAY 25/07/10

Morning - Debate prep

Gillard is amazing. She's innately gaffe proof. Welsh must be naturally resistance to spontaneity. Reckon her first words as a child must have been "moving forward".

Lunchtime

Long afternoon meeting to finalise debate tactics.

Passionate disagreement as to Gillard's choice of outfit. Fashion policy top issue for several key demographics and Party Pollster has produced excellent report. Turns out most voters associate pants-suit with strong border security.

Gillard Press Secretary (GPS) suggests green jacket. Thinks green jacket with red hair could appeal to inner city voters in way policies probably won't. Pollster agrees that left-wing inner city voters respond well to bright colours.

Put case that green jacket will increase focus on absence of green policy. Pollster agrees, marginal seat voters consistently prefer white or black. Go with white.

7:00pm

Arrive at studio for debate. GPS goes white, points.

Bishop is wearing same jacket as Gillard.

Jesus! Gillard must have jacket that emphasises difference to Bishop, given policies don't.

GPS brings out new jacket.

I call over Work Experience Kid (Kid), don't want to know his name, better to not get attached. Give Kid tainted jacket. Tell him to burn it.

Disaster averted. Can't believe greatest Liberal threat to PM's image in first week of campaign came from Julie Bishop. May have underestimated her.

7:15pm

Tell Kid to watch debate for me and tell me who wins. Kid asks if he should write down everything Abbott and Gillard say. Tell Kid he can watch it on mute for all I care, what they say doesn't matter - what matters is who wins.

7:30pm

Meet with GPS and Pollster to plan hospital visits. GPS wants Gillard with expectant mothers. Emphasise to GPS I do not want Gillard near overly-expectant mothers. If mother goes into labour and Gillard is photographed struggling to help with baby delivery, could highlight Government's problems with policy delivery. Media would have field day with 'labour' related puns.

8:00pm

Kid comes back with copious notes on who won debate. Ask where his worm data is. Kid didn't look at worm, too busy making notes on candidate's positions. Stupid Kid! Demand to know who he thinks he is, an ABC journalist? Throw notes out, check twitter and start calling journalists to claim victory.

One hour later

Most journalists really positive about Abbott's performance.

Laurie Oakes particularly emphatic that Abbott won. Demand explanation as to why Oakes' view should be preferred to worm. Oakes says debate nothing but platitudes. Suggest to Oakes he did not watch debate. Accuse Oakes of relying on smarmy, pre-prepared lines and notes.

Oakes resents being compared to Tony Abbott.

Hang up.

MONDAY 26/07/10

5:00am

Have Nando's Chicken for breakfast. Take shot of chilli sauce for extra pep.

7:10am

Arrive at hospital. Panic. Forgot to arrange policy to announce! Brain storm possible policies. Impossible to decide with no worm to judge quality.

7:20am

Call Swan. Swan has contingency plan from Rudd era. Has secret list of policies he budgeted for but never told us about.

Swan offers $1.5 million to re-paint emergency rooms. Abuse Swan at length. Swan offers me $96 million to train emergency room staff. Ask Swan if I can have something else to go with it? Swan finds these early morning policy booty calls demeaning. Swan asks who I think he is? Paris Hilton?

Apologise to Swan. Deliver policy to PM. Remind her not to drop any babies.

This entry originally published at BigPond News as part of their Federal Election 2010 coverage.