Labor Heavyweight - 27 to 28 July

TUESDAY 27/07/10

Morning

Send Work Experience Kid (Kid) to get me breakfast. Kid brings back fruit salad and boost juice. Tell Kid, Bob Brown is on phone and wants his breakfast back.

Lunchtime

Press conference. Media have decided that today is "deliberately barren" day.

Most questions predictable, though must admit never expected question about size of Gillard's earlobes.

Afternoon

Meet with Pollster and Gillard to discuss: "Tim Mathieson problem".

Pollster has done in-depth research on relationship issue - men generally unfussed. Men that hate Gillard won't care about wedding - will see Mathieson as "prisoner of factional bosses".

Gillard says she doesn't need focus group to make personal decisions. Pollster understands but does think that snap wedding could swing some marginal seats. Gillard tells Pollster she's not a character on Neighbours. Pollster says idea of holding wedding on Neighbours actually focus-grouped well.

Pollster is savant-like - amazing at one thing and one thing only.

Tell Gillard journalists just bored. Will pass. Gillard laments lack of media substance.

8:00pm

Gillard no longer lamenting lack of media substance.

Leak on maternity leave and pension increase is major problem. Media no longer calling Gillard feminist-warrior, now mean spirited anti-feminist.

Launch inquisition.

Ask Faulkner to call Rudd. Faulkner worried. Thinks if it is not Rudd and we accuse him, he might start leaking. Faulkner cannot see why Rudd would leak. If Gillard loses election Rudd has no chance of meeting Obama again. Faulkner urges calm. Faulkner useless.

8:15pm

Call Bill Shorten.

Shorten says that "Gillard can rely on Bill Shorten. Bill Shorten is prepared to go undercover to find leak." Shorten insists he will telephone Ministers and do his "Laurie Oakes" impersonation to entrap the leaker.

Tell Shorten to try Laurie Oakes impression on Swan. Shorten asks why Swan? Totally confident Swan is not leak.

Swan calls. Says Bill Shorten was just on phone pretending to be Laurie Oakes. Ask Swan what gave it away? Swan says impression was perfect and he would have fallen for it, if Bill Shorten hadn't kept referring to himself as Bill Shorten. Shorten unhelpful.

8:30pm

Get Kid to call Rudd. Surely of all people Rudd wouldn't mind being called by staffer. Tell Kid to be subtle. Put Rudd on speaker phone.

Kid: Hello Mr Ex-Prime Minister. I'm calling on behalf of Ms Gillard. How are you?
Rudd: I'm... okay.
Kid: How's the weather?
Rudd: It's great.
Kid: How's the campaign going?
Rudd: Quite good.
Kid: ...
Rudd: ...
Kid: Are you the Cabinet leak?
Rudd: F**k off!

Stupid Kid!

9:00pm

Faulkner says leak is not crisis but opportunity to solve gender problem. Gillard was just ensuring policies were fully costed. Gillard can position herself as neither feminist nor anti-feminist, but "frugal feminist".

Gillard likes plan.

WEDNESDAY 28/07/10

Morning

Faulkner plan works perfectly. Media declaring press conference Gillard's "best ever performance".

Wondering if Faulkner is leak? Part of his master plan?

Kid just bought excellent breakfast! Big Mac and giant coffee. Kid has future in party!

This entry originally published at BigPond News as part of their Federal Election 2010 coverage.