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Comedians Toby Halligan and Mathew Kenneally reveal the internal workings of Federal Parliament with their exclusive access to diary entries from within the halls of power.
MONDAY 27/09/10

First time in Parliament House since leadership spill.

Never thought I’d be back here. Had been in Pakistan doing media for an NGO. Was really thriving. My experience of NSW Labor factional warfare was the perfect apprenticeship for navigating Pakistan’s male-dominated, clan based society.

Then about ten days ago, ran into Rudd. He was on marathon tour of the region, trying very hard to write notes, listen, and look concerned simultaneously.

Asked Rudd where his staff were. He’d fired them three camps ago. Offered me a promotion, a pay rise, and the right to swear at him.

I couldn’t refuse.

6:00am

Kid in the office, name tag says “Lucas”. Must be work experience kid. Ask him to get me coffee.

Explains he’s Chief of Staff and tells me to get him a decaf chai latte. Ask how old he is. He’s 22.

Order him to get me coffee.

He refuses. Stand very still and stare at him. He asks how I like my coffee. Tell him to get me one of everything. Need to reinforce lesson.

6:15am

Rudd asks me to be acting Chief of Staff on Fridays. Lucas has Uni that day – he is finishing his Asian Studies honours thesis entitled "Sino-Australian relations February 2007 – July 2010: Speaking Dragon, Listening Kangaroo".

6:30am

Lucas stumbles in with 18 coffees. Is 99% sure he has all possible variations but they didn’t have soy. Really apologetic about the soy. Thank “Mini-Rudd” for his effort. Mini-Rudd honoured by nickname.

9:00am

Mini-Rudd introduces me to Rudd’s national security advisor, George, before a Commonwealth Games security briefing. Says George is an ex-Spy!

George tells Rudd that security situation in India is dire. Americans think risk of attack is 90%, British think it’s 75%, George thinks they’re both bonkers, it’s clearly 83.68%.

Ask how they come up with these numbers. George says intelligence is incredibly complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Rudd asks for some details on the maths. George says he doesn’t need figures to calculate it. His gut does all the arithmetic he needs.

Rudd asks for a time line for attacks. George thinks the attacks will almost certainly happen after/during the opening ceremony and before the closing ceremony. Some events are riskier than others. Rudd asks whether that’s because of crowd dynamics, sniper points, or just enclosed bottle necks?

George says some sports are really gay and terrorist wouldn’t want to attack them. No self respecting suicide bomber wants to go out attacking the synchronised swimming or badminton.

Ask if Commonwealth Games are worth the lives of our athletes?

Rudd says pulling out would be like handing 80 gold medals to terrorists - or worse, Great Britain.

11:00am

Jean bustles in. She can’t find Coalition pair for Rudd’s upcoming trips. Didn't know Jean was here - feels like we're getting the old gang back together!

Rudd not worried – he’s going to be pairing with the only man in Parliament he can trust, Bob Katter.

Point out to Rudd, Katter voted against Gillard Government.

Rudd: “Exactly.”

Jean asks if we could convince Katter to put his guarantee in writing.

Rudd says a handshake between Queenslanders is a bond of honour and that’s all he needs. Katter would rather eat a Pilipino banana split on Oxford Street with Carson Kressley then break his bond. Katter says that in Northern Queensland they have a word for folk whose handshake isn’t worth a damn: Nationals.

2:00pm

Mark Arbib calls. Says he’s coming over and wanted to give me advance notice so he doesn’t get shot coming through the door. Laughs and says he’s just joking.

Thank Mark for advance warning. Tell him we’d prefer a days notice in the future so we can ‘prepare’.

Tell Rudd that Arbib is on way to talk about Commonwealth Games.

Rudd says Mini-Rudd can take meeting. Rudd hasn’t spoken to Arbib since spill.

Tell Rudd he has to take it.

Rudd swears at me.

Tell Rudd to take the f**king meeting.

Rudd agrees, but sulks.

5 minutes later

Arbib arrives. Offers Rudd congratulations on winning Griffith. Rudd offers Arbib commiserations on losing election.

Arbib asks for briefing on Commonwealth Games. Rudd gives Arbib print out of CIA Factbook entry on India, and photocopy of Daily Telegraph Commonwealth Games lift-out.

Arbib says as Sports Minister he needs DFAT briefing to protect Australia’s athletes. Rudd tells Arbib they stopped being his athletes when they left Australian soil.

Arbib wishes Rudd could be mature about this, he’d hate to have to raise this with Gillard.

Rudd agrees that Arbib would hate that. Especially because Rudd’s under so much pressure already to resign from Parliament to take a job at an international body, whether it be the United Nations, WTO, ILO, or the UBLOW.

Arbib thanks Rudd for the Daily Telegraph lift-out. Rudd says page 4 in particular has a lot of nice pictures.

Arbib leaves.

Ask Rudd what is UBLOW. Rudd says it’s his opinion of Arbib.

10:00pm

Rudd calls me in. Says Commonwealth Games facilities are worrying him. Received a tweet from a table tennis athlete who said the water pressure in the shower heads is not up to scratch. They have not had proper shower in 24 hours. Asks me to fix it.

Explain problem to George, ask if I should call Secretary of DFAT? George says matter too trivial for Secretary of DFAT. Says call Head of AusAid.

10:15pm

Head of AusAid sympathises but can’t really help – table tennis players do not fall within definition of needy.

10:30pm

Mini-Rudd asks for report. Inform him that Australia’s table tennis team presently stinks and it is past his bed time, literally and metaphorically.

Mini-Rudd pulls out sleeping back and curls up under desk. Asks to be woken if anything happens.

11:15pm

Rudd gets off phone with friend in UN, has phone number of plumber in New Dehli.

11:30pm

Call plumber. Plumber does not speak English.

Call DFAT. Arrange translator.

12:00am

Translator arrives. Speaks to plumber. Plumber speaks Punjabi. Translator speaks Hindi. Crap.

12:30am

Second translator is successful. Plumber agrees to do job.

Can finally go home. Thank god.

2:00am

George calls. Says there has been terrorist incident at athletes village. Man was found tampering with bathrooms of Australian table tennis team. Man is claiming Australian Government put him up to it. Major diplomatic incident.

3:00am

Arrive in office to find Rudd has assembled Secretary of DFAT, Indian High Commissioner, two translators and the Parliament House plumber.

High Commissioner angry that Rudd intervened in internal affairs of foreign country. Rudd points out that bathrooms of Australian athletes might qualify as Australian territory. Secretary makes offer – we will never mention that a plumber was able to penetrate the security of the athletes village if they will never mention that the plumber was sent by us.

Plumber released and allowed to finish job.

3:45am

Rudd shows pictures of shower on Blackberry to Parliamentary plumber and Indian High Commissioner. Both agree Indian plumber has done excellent work.

Quietly thank Secretary for resolving incident and say if he ever needs anything in the future I’m happy to help.

Secretary says if next time this happens I could baby sit his kids that’d be great.

Tell Secretary I’ll have Mini-Rudd do it.

Mini-Rudd hears name and wakes up. Send him for coffee.

4:00am

Rudd on phone with grateful table tennis team.

Discuss evening's events with Mini-Rudd and George.

Mini-Rudd in awe of Rudd. Says he is going to remember this moment every time he has a shower.

George thinks after this incident chance of terrorist attack in athletes village has dropped to 64%. Thinks Rudd has made significant contribution to athlete’s safety.

Finally head home. Have weird dream that Pakistani floods were caused by table tennis players' shower.

Wonder how long I’ll last this time. My gut calculates there’s a 47% chance I make it past 6 months.

This entry also published at The Punch.

MONDAY 06/09/10

6:00am

Mobile rings. Gravelly voice says “It’s the devil”. Ask Bill Heffernan why he is calling at such an ungodly hour? Bill shocked I guessed it was him. Remind Bill he’s called me before and that picture of the devil comes up when he calls.

Ask Bill why he still does this?

Heffernan says he can’t help being a prankster. AND has had a lot of time on his hands since the Kirby ‘prank’.

Bill has never been funny.

Lunchtime

Joyce charges into office, demands $1billion for veterinary hospital in his electorate. Slams signed declaration on desk that states he will not support Coalition if demand isn’t met. Ask Joyce who he will support.

Joyce picks up declaration, crumples it up and charges out of office.

Afternoon

Meeting with independents, Abbott and Wyatt Roy. Ask Abbott why Roy is in meeting. Abbott says Roy has taken to following him round corridors. Abbott does not have heart to tell him to go away.

Windsor thanks Abbott for meeting. Windsor says he has enormous respect for Abbott.

Abbott perks up.

Windsor also thinks Gillard has excellent policies.

Abbott slumps down.

Windsor says he has been receiving many calls suggesting he support the Coalition.

Abbott perks up.

Windsor says, of course, serious parliamentarians cannot be swayed by a vocal minority.

Abbott slumps down.

Windsor has decided to support a coalition government.

Abbott almost bounces out of chair.

Windsor then laughs quietly and says “Of course, technically, the Greens, Wilkie and Labor are a coalition as well.”

Abbott almost slumps under desk.

Oakeshott gives thirty minute explanation of decisions he has not made without referring to issues he feels he cannot reveal his thinking on, while acknowledging the importance they have to his electorate. Thanks us all. Hugs us all. Begins to weep.

Katter keeps distance from Oakeshott.

Meeting ends. Abbott buoyant; says he has experience negotiating with men with poker faces.

Windsor has poker personality.

Evening

Joyce explodes into office. Asks for my response to his demands. Ask Joyce to remind me what demands were. Joyce storms out, promises to be back with demands written down.

Lock door.

30 minutes later

Loud thud on door.

Secretly delighted.

Open door. Joyce unconscious on ground. Revive him with scotch. Joyce just wanted to confirm he would support Coalition.

Wonder whether knock to head fixed Joyce?

Late evening

Oakeshott invites me to his pad for “some bevvys”.

Oakeshott says he is massive Bob Dylan fan. Indecisive about his favourite song. Likes the harmonies of Blowing in the Wind but prefers the lyrics of The Times They Are a-Changin. Oakeshott tries to sing lyrics of The Times They Are a-Changin while playing Blowing in the Wind.

Lengthy and incomprehensible.

Insists we watch Highlander. Says film about lone swordsman fighting in obscure locations inspired him to be independent.

TUESDAY 07/09/10

5:00am

Heffernan calls. Pretends to be Archangel Gabriel. Says he wants to vary it up. Tell Heffernan there are services he can call late at night and the people there will appreciate it much more than me.

8:00am

Meet with Pyne, Abbott and Roy.

Pyne starts meeting with briefing on parliamentary reforms.

9:00am

Pyne still finishing introduction.

Quite worried: have finished counting stripes on everyone’s suits and spots on carpet.

9:30am

Abbott interrupts Pyne. Requests summary. Pyne says this is summary. Pray I am never at wedding where Pyne is best man.

10:00am

Wake up suddenly. Roy giving Pyne standing ovation. Pyne happy to delay rest of briefing until training seminars he’s planning for next weekend (Christ kill me).

Pyne says there will be role-playing to prep for question time. He has bought red-wig and is looking forward to playing Gillard.

2:00pm

Katter backs Coalition.

2:15pm

Katter maybe not be backing Coalition.

2:20pm

Katter pretty sure he is backing Coalition, depending on what independents do.

3:00pm

Watch Windsor/Oakeshott press conference on TV in my office. Pyne, Robb and Hockey watching with me. Roy is here too - Abbott must have given him the slip. Lucky Abbott.

3:05pm

Windsor announces that independents will back Labor. Everyone annoyed.

3:06pm

Oakeshott begins with joke about Highlander. Nobody gets it.

3:07pm

Oakeshott says this is historic day - will be raised at Oakeshott family Christmas parties. Pretty sure Oakeshott will be the one raising it.

So much sympathy for Oakeshott family.

3:10pm

Oakeshott appears unaware that everyone in country already realises he has backed Labor.

3:15pm

Oakeshott still talking. Wonder aloud how many people are watching this? Pyne has done some quick calculations and believes that every minute Oakeshott speaks for costs Australia $789,000 in lost productivity.

Hockey appears to be counting something on his fingers. After several minutes announces he has costed Pyne’s figure and he thinks it’s about right.

So glad we don’t have to send anything to Treasury

3:20pm

Pyne says if ALP have offered Oakeshott speakership he will never raise point of order again. Would take hours for Oakeshott to resolve.

3:23pm

Pyne jokes that if we were playing drinking game where we sculled everytime Oakeshott uses a cliche we’d be very drunk right now. Wonder if Pyne has ever been drunk.

Wish I had scotch right now.

3:25pm

I wonder aloud if somebody should interrupt him before a full term passes and its election time again. Roy pipes up in some strange accent, and says "Imma let you finish Rob, but Windsor gave the best speech ever, the best speech ever".

Rest of room perplexed.

3:26pm

Getting government not worth much more of this.

3:29pm

Oakeshott finally announces he’s supporting Labor. Pretty sure no one has ever used 15 minutes of fame so poorly.

4:00pm

In office. Joyce erupts in. Wants to call Country Women’s Association to see if they can declare Fatwa against independents.

Joyce has recovered from knock to head.

5:00pm

Oakeshott calls. Has constructive criticism for Coalition for “next time around”. Tell Oakeshott I have to go. Have call waiting from Bill Heffernan.

Heffernan introduces himself as Tony Windsor.

Finally happy to receive call from Heffernan.

This entry also published at The Punch.