WEDNESDAY 02/02/11
9:00am
In Kerang, Victoria, visiting mother. Helping clean up house after floods. Damage has been extensive, and mother's insurance may not cover the entire bill. Mother is at least relieved that, as a flood victim, she will get an exemption from Gillard's flood tax levy. Maybe I should change my postal address to also avoid levy?
Go downtown for breakfast. Locals keep telling me I look familiar. Reluctant to reveal that I am an MP. Have already heard my quota of flood stories from mother. Decide to tell locals I work in insurance. Serious mistake. Pretty sure I would be better off pretending to be Greens Senator. Decide not to change postal address - don't want to end up representing these people.
10:30am
Get phone call from Abbott Press Secretary (APS) while lifting mother’s fridge. APS says I need to fly to Sydney immediately for flood levy strategy meeting.
Explain to APS that my hands are full helping flood victims.
APS says I am great Australian but unless camera crew is there, I need to drop what I am doing and get on plane.
Break fridge. Narrowly miss breaking foot.
2:00pm
Arrive at strategy meeting in Sydney with APS, Abbott, Hockey, Joyce, and Wyatt Roy. Is Roy here to get coffee?
Joyce gives report from disaster zone. Queensland infrastructure completely devastated - society in ruins. Almost as bad as New South Wales. Joyce believes that now more than ever, for the sake of the people of Queensland, we must fight against levy.
Abbott agrees. Says at time when mateship is the only resource Queenslanders have, we cannot allow Gillard to tax and squander it. Gillard is totally heartless, like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, but even more wooden.
I point out that Tin Man actually had biggest heart of all. Abbott says we do not have time to debate musicals while Queenslanders are about to be levied underwater. Roy concurs, says young people he knows are pro mateship and anti tax-on-mateship.
Confused. Unclear how even Labor government could tax mateship. Ask Abbott if Labor is putting tax on rounds of drinks? Abbott says worse than that. Labor is using floods to force all Australians to buy them a beer a week and we all know that given Labor’s record they’ll spill most of those drinks, making floods even worse.
Hockey thinks big four banks will use mateship tax as an excuse to raise interest rates on homes. Raising interest rates is not what mates to do mates. Joyce agrees. He has heaps of mates, many of them bankers, and not one of them would dream of raising his interest rates.
Abbott agrees, thinks broadening attack on levy to include banks will strengthen metaphor.
I have no idea what’s going on.
3:00pm
Abbott calls me aside, says I’ve been doing such great work as Shadow Minister for Future Building and Values that he wants to give me a Parliamentary Secretary.
Ask who.
Abbott points at Roy. Look around Roy to see if someone is behind him. Drat!
Abbott says Roy has ear of youth and is very enthusiastic.
Unhappy, tell Abbott that if I needed youth and enthusiasm I would have employed my 14 year old daughter. Pretty sure, unlike Roy, she actually knows some young people.
Abbott says I should definitely consult daughter, he relies on his daughters for advice about tech stuff like the national thingy network.
Going to be an exceptionally long year.
THURSDAY 03/02/11
Back in Kerang, trying to reattach fridge door using sticky tape. Reluctant to buy new one.
Get call from Abbott. Wants me to organise flood fundraiser. Tell Abbott happy to, will get wife involved, she’s great at that people stuff.
FRIDAY 04/02/11
Morning
Back in Melbourne. Wife’s book club is in lounge room organising a church fundraiser to take place at our house tomorrow. Will include bake sale and a silent auction of donated goods. Daughter’s school orchestra will provide entertainment.
Retire to kitchen to avoid getting involved.
Afternoon
Book club takes over kitchen for flood relief cooking bee.
Book club should be running country.
SATURDAY 05/02/11
At fundraiser. Huge number of people. Very large man sitting in my reclining chair. Everyone very generous. Really appreciate that wife and I are supporting flood victims. Small child standing on my piano. Parish priest offers church car for auction. Says while so many are suffering he’d rather take public transport. Finally everyone leaves. We raised $30,000, so I guess that's something.
SUNDAY 06/02/11
Morning
Call party head quarters to ask where I should transfer flood funds? Staffer gives me account details.
Afternoon
Call from Abbott, says I’ve made great start but that anti flood-levy ads will require much more hard work.
Ask Abbott what he’s talking about. Abbott says my $30,000 has already helped pay some consultants to put some great stuff together for a focus group, but still need to pay for air time.
Holy crap. Hang up phone.
Wife asks if I’m okay. Says I've gone as white as Phillip Ruddock.
Sit down. Ponder.
Option 1: Lie to wife in knowledge that if wife finds out, marriage over.
Option 2: Tell truth to wife in knowledge that marriage will be preserved but will be extremely unpleasant for foreseeable future.
Option 3: Sell own car and donate money to flood relief.
Faint.
2 hours later
On tram back from used car salesman. Had to throw in watch to get sale price up to $30,000.
Now on my way to Fisher and Paykel to buy new fridge for mother. Cannot believe I will also have to pay Gillard's bloody levy.
This entry also published at The Punch.
