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Comedians Toby Halligan and Mathew Kenneally reveal the internal workings of Federal Parliament with their exclusive access to diary entries from within the halls of power.
MONDAY 23/05/11

8:00am

Joyce and Bernardi waiting in my office.

Joyce says that everything we've achieved in the last millennia of western civilisation is under threat, if we don't act to stop Sharia Law in its tracks. Bernardi adds "We didn't go to the moon in burkhas, and Jimi Hendrix could not have played the guitar if his hands had been chopped off”.

Ask Joyce who's been supporting Sharia law?

Joyce says Labor MP Maria something-or-other was endorsing the position of Sheik Mohammad-whatsama-call-it.

Find it hard to believe that Labor Party is actually considering introducing Sharia Law. Would require existance of backbone, for starters. Suggest that Joyce and Bernardi are overreacting.

Both pull pebbles out of their pockets and start throwing them at me. Joyce says that's the impact of Sharia Law, and that I'm lucky my daughter isn't here.

Note to self: never bring children to Parliament during sitting week.

9:00am

Abbott Press Secretary (APS) has sent around memo telling everyone to stop leaking to the media about internal bickering.

Think this is risky move by APS - have always found memo referring to internal bickering is first thing to get leaked.

9:30am

Memo leaked.

10:00am

APS in. Is convinced that Hockey leaked her memo, and is worried that he's on a crusade to destabilise the Party. Thinks he's trying to set himself up for a leadership challenge by coming up with popular policy positions that defer from party line. Last thing she needs right now is another Turnbull.

APS demands I follow Hockey and find out what he's up to. She's busy trying to get Turnbull and Minchin to follow Coalition position on climate science.

Surprised to hear we have position on climate science. Ask APS if she could explain it to me.

APS tells me Coalition position on climate science is the price of cabbage is going to rise. End of story. The only person who should be contradicting Abbott on climate science is Abbott.

Orders to me to stick to Hockey - says if he appears on Sunrise, she wants to see me in the background of the shot.

10:30am

Head over to Hockey's office.

Ask Hockey what he's up to.

Hockey is wrestling with really tough decision. Looking for new issue to make statement on this week to keep himself in leadership frame. Is thinking of making comment on beauty pageants and slut walk, as a father. Not sure what to say though, slutwalk is confusing - seems demeaning to women, but also seems to be women doing most of the demeaning. What’s with that?

Joyce charges into Hockey’s office. Throws pebble at Hockey and shouts “That’s for every rural family’s trust fund!” Storms out.

Hockey asks what Joyce is doing?

Tell Hockey I think Joyce thinks that he is preserving western civilisation?

Hockey looks sad: “Everyone has a cause but me".

12:30pm

Report back to APS.

APS pleased. Is fairly certain only person Hockey will be hurting is Hockey. Asks me to go talk to Turnbull - suss out if he’s through undermining climate change policy

4:00pm

Meet with Turnbull, say I just came in for chat.

Turnbull asks what specific aspect of his comments on climate change APS wants to know about. Turnbull harder to spy on.

Relay APS’ desire that Turnbull stop actively attacking Coalition climate change policy.

Turnbull says he has been not been “attacking” policy rather he has been “describing” policy. He is not responsible for the quality of what he is describing.

Suggest to Turnbull that maybe he could just not speak out on the issue.

Turnbull: “I have been not speaking out, but journalists keep asking me questions. Refusing to answer the questions would be impolite, and if I must answer them my golden rule comes into play: never answer any question in a way that makes me sound like a f*#!ing moron. People know where I stand on climate change, and they expect me to say intelligent things. That’s the Turnbull brand. I don’t want to be one of those plain packaging politicians like Gillard.”

Bernardi bursts into room. Says “This is for undermining the whole party...”. Goes to throw pebble.

Turnbull glares at Bernardi.

Bernardi scurries out.

Turnbull asks if I want to come to the Government’s climate science forum.

Say I appreciate the invite, but listening to a scientist on climate change feels a little bit like crossing the floor, which, has never been my thing.

5:00pm

Check in on Hockey, not to spy, just to see if he is okay.

Hockey even more stressed. Does not know whether to go to the climate science forum or not. On one hand would like to know about the science, on other hand does not want to be seen to be following Malcolm.

I suggest that if he turned up really early, it would look like Turnbull was following him. Of course, Abbott might see that as a challenge by Hockey.

Hockey sighs.

6:00pm

Report to APS and Abbott:

Hockey is depressed but inert, Joyce and Bernardi are launching crusade against Sharia Law by stoning moderates with pebbles, and Malcolm is being Malcolm.

APS looks distraught - has no idea how to unify this stupid party.

Abbott not at all worried about unity in party. Points out that we went through three leaders and four leadership candidates in last electoral term. As long as we are unified on night before election she’ll be right.

APS asks how we will get message back on track.

Abbott says he will have a chat to Turnbull during their weekly bike ride. Will call Joyce and Bernardi and ask them to work with Pyne to produce a 20,000 word report on value of western civilisaton and threat Sharia Law poses to it - that’ll totally put them off the idea. As for Joe, Abbott’s not worried. He’ll vaciliate, capitulate, and apologise within the week. Abbott exits.

Comment to APS that Abbott really thrives on chaos.

APS agrees, makes him perfect leader for modern Liberal Party.
Amongst the rubble of the Abbottabad compound, US Forces discovered a diary, which they have leaked to diaryleaks.com.au after Julian Assange rejected it due to “quality” and “veracity” issues. Read on for selected excerpts.

3 February 2002

Have decided to keep diary to ensure world has record of important post 9/11 career.

October 2002

So far contribution to global jihad has mainly been hiding in caves. Somewhat out of touch with day-to-day Al Qaeda operations. Number 2 is running things from Yemen in my absence.

20 March 2003

Great news! Invasion of Iraq has begun. Heard on radio I am in league with Saddam. Wish it were true; he could probably supply substantially better accommodation than the Taliban – pretty tired of cave life. Difficult to plan Next Big Strike against the West in such damp conditions.

1 May 2004

Still cave hopping. Wish I could stay in one cave long enough to make it worthwhile adding some paint.

November 2004

Caves are depressing. Courier suggests I make video for US election, to cheer me up.

2 days later

Courier says I’ve gone viral. Howl in praise! Did not realise we had biological weapons!

Courier says he is referring to the spread of my video on youtube.

Ask whether we can transport viruses through these giant tubes?

Courier says “This will be really confusing but the answer is yes and no.”

27 March 2005

Have bought a new home in Abbottabad. Military base 800 metres away. Good place for family: nice, secure neighbourhood. Can now start serious planning for Next Big Strike against the infidels!

8 April 2005

Pakistani intelligence services (ISI) bring house warming gifts: home bomb making kit, collection of jigsaw puzzles, and book of Bushisms.

Inform me that they are very happy to help but must set some limits to deceive Americans. Are only able to support Al Qaeda on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

9 April 2005

Book of Bushisms is a great read. "Is our children learning?" Classic.

Book was wrapped in old copy of New York Post. Opinion piece says that Al Qaeda has the A-bomb. Great news! I can use this in my Next Big Strike! Why did Number 2 not tell me about this? Not sure I can trust him.

14 December 2006

Planning big party to celebrate 5 years of evading George W Bush. Send Courier to ISI to retrieve party supplies.

15 December 2006

Courier returns without supplies and missing hand! ISI cut it off because "the days switched”. ISI now supports Al Qaeda on Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturdays. Courier says they apologised for keeping me out of loop, but did I not get the email?

1 January 2007

Very small party. Number 2 says affiliates and allies wanted to be there, but compound is secret location and many of them are unable to travel because they also live in secret locations. Very hard to invite people in secret locations to party at secret location without giving away secret location. Also, many of them are dead.

Number 2 keeps telling me: “Yemen is where it’s at”. Ask Number 2 if the USA or the Soviet Union have invaded Yemen recently. Number 2 says the USA have dropped some bombs. Big deal - USA drops bombs on everyone.

Number 2 says I’m kind of out of touch, should come to Yemen to get back in game.

Tell Number 2 I’m quite settled in Pakistan and don’t really know anyone in Yemen.

28 January 2008

Have finally completed new plan: Will blow up Beijing Olympic Games with the A-bomb! Send for Number 2 to discuss details.

2 February 2008

Number 2 arrives. Ask him to join me in yard for my daily walk.

Number 2: Alas great leader, we merely “kind of” have the A-bomb.
Me: Kind of?
Number 2: We have the components of an A-bomb.
Me: So assemble those components and strike!
Number 2: Well, you see those components are in many different countries and in some cases still in the possession of infidels.
Me: So we don’t have the A-bomb?
Number 2: That depends on whether you are an ammunition magazine half full or ammunition magazine half empty kind of guy.

Back to drawing board.

4 October 2008

US election coming up. Time for a new video to put down the tube. Send Courier to request multimedia equipment from ISI.

5 October 2008

Courier returns missing ear. ISI has now narrowed times and places they support Al Qaeda to Wednesdays and Saturday mornings “in the shade”. Courier says he was told by ISI that he was “too sunny”.

Also ISI cannot provide audio or video equipment as “new IT guy is really uptight with loaning equipment to terrorists that won’t come in and sign forms themselves.”

1 January 2009

Watched documentary about Richard Branson’s commercial space flights. Fascinating. Infidels very ambitious.

5 January 2009

New plan: will send Courier to international space station on Branson’s jet and then blow it up!

Nobody will expect this!

18 January 2009

Get postcard from Number 2. Feels he cannot support space station mission. While he admits it is “visionary”, until Yemen has own space program it is slightly impractical.

Idiot has included return address. Write him back telling him he’s fired.

9 February 2009

Number 2 writes back explaining that fragmented nature of Al Qaeda means he’s technically leader of Al Qaeda in Yemen so I can’t actually fire him.

Am starting to feel slightly undermined.

4 October 2010

Courier returns from regular trip to ISI with bullet wound in leg.

Says he made sure he visited them on Wednesday in the shade. Even took own shade cloth. ISI shot him because they thought he was making fun of them.

28 January 2011

Egyptian revolution on news. Send Courier to Egypt with message for Muslim brotherhood that Al Qaeda is with them.

1 March 2011

Courier returns. Had great time in Egypt. Is going to join Egyptian revolution. Says Democracy is really “in” now. Giving me two months notice – last day will be Monday May 2nd.

Consider shooting Courier, but really need his help over next two months. Have come up with best Next Big Strike yet. Am going to blow up The Face Book!