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Comedians Toby Halligan and Mathew Kenneally reveal the internal workings of Federal Parliament with their exclusive access to diary entries from within the halls of power.
Joe Hockey, Treasurer, cigar smoker, ordinary guy, added another string to his bow on Monday: futurist. His prediction that we need to plan for a world in which people live to 150 has sparked ridicule, comparisons to Sarah Palin, and some support.

Artist's impression of Futurist Hockey
Secret documents leaked to us show that Hockey is an avowed futurist. That many of his public policies are not informed by neo-liberalism but rather his far sighted eyes on the future. Below are Joe Hockey’s personal jottings on the future:
  • Wind power is ugly and pointless, there is no wind on our new home, the moon.
  • Gen Y needs to stop whining about housing affordability. They'll have over 100 years to pay off mortgages. Here's a tip: collect rent from your great great grand children.
  • We must introduce a price signal to Medicare now. Otherwise we’ll have people coming in to get life extension pills, for any old reason.
  • We must build Melbourne's East-West Link road tunnel. It is foolish to build another train line that will certainly be destroyed when the asteroid collides with Earth. The survivors of this inevitable catastrophe will be unable to commute between underground bunkers without the East-West Link.
  • If we allow gay marriage what next? People marrying their clone?
  • Extinction of Great Barrier Reef is sad but ultimately a great opportunity to build future city, Oz-Lantis, in the coral graveyard. Robo-fish will also be more welcoming than actual fish. Could even provide tourists with beverages.
  • Obviously it would be better if the Chinese did not know about our Robocop program. Also, probably better if we not tell actual cops.
  • Yes, robots should run nursing homes. Sooner, rather than later.
  • Housing affordability for the young is unlikely to remain an issue as the generation born today are likely to ascend to be beings of pure consciousness that live in the cloud.
  • It's foolish to invest in the NBN. It's only a matter of time before tech wizs learn how to communicate telepathically. Which will also make Facebook, Twitter and Instagram redundant. Thank god.
  • Kangaroos should be bred either so they're big enough to ride or small enough to have as pets. My kids really want a Kangaroo. If the CSIRO were working on useful stuff like this, they might deserve more funding (hint hint).
  • The Chinese are fools to buy Australian farms. Food is a dying industry. Everybody knows the future is in the weekly sustenance pill.

We phoned Mr Hockey's office for comment, but were informed that the Treasurer now only communicates via Google Glass.



A DAY AT THE CRICKET
FRIDAY 16 JANUARY 2015

8:00am

Off to ODI between Australia v. England at the SCG with the Prime Minister. Looking forward to relaxing day of cricket, beer, and bitching about the Senate.

1:00pm

Arrive at Sydney Cricket Ground Members. Abbott pleased to see me, needs to discuss Medicare policy.

Insist to Abbott it is a new year; no need to beat himself up about co-payment failing.

1:15pm

Abbott explains new Medicare policy that his office has worked up.

Is it a good idea to bring co-payment back, even if just for short appointments?

Abbott explains it is not a co-payment, but measure to encourage Doctors to spend more time with patients by reducing the rebate for short appointments by $20.

So it is a cut?

Abbott insists it is not a cut. It's an incentivisation measure that just happens to yield savings of $1.3 billion.
 
2:20pm

Hockey calls. Needs me to pass on message. Backbench is against new $20 co-payment policy. Try to explain Abbott's position that it's not a co-payment but an incentivisation measure.

Hockey takes exception to me trying the "calling taxes and cuts other words" strategy on him. Hockey warns that opponents of "Credlin’s plan" are willing to make public their threats to go public with opposition.

Does this mean MPs are threatening to go public with opposition?

No, Hockey says MPs would never go public, this is merely a warning that MPs will go public with details of warning to go public unless the policy is dumped.

Ask Hockey how he can even consider this? Hockey says it was either communicate with one another through media or go through PM's office.

2:23pm

Pass info on to Abbott.

Abbott says it is not $20 co-payment, but $20 cut to rebate.

I thought it was not a cut?

Abbott: this is just the point. There is a lot of confusion. Backbench needs more time to absorb and understand Prime Minister’s policy.

Wonder if this would have been easier if we'd told them about policy before telling The Australian?

2:27pm

Match started. Mitchell Starc takes two England wickets in three balls.

Abbott inspired by Starc bowling, coming back from Shane Warne’s criticism calling him “soft”. Maybe Coalition should stick to $7 co-payment plan rather than incentivisation co-payment plan.

3:00pm

Abbott goes to get beers. Has been thinking it would actually be soft to back down from incentivisation plan and go back to $7 co-payment. Policy is now to stick to incentivisation.

5:00pm

England on top. Abbott feels weakness in Australian attack is lack of variety. Thinks this might be weakness in Medicare policy. Decides new policy will be to implement incentivisation-measure, AND $7 co-payment. Abbott calls Credlin, asks her to brief cabinet on new policy.

5:30pm

Hockey calls me. Asks if PM has changed mind.

Confirm that PM has changed mind.

Hockey asks what policy is.

Explain dual-co-payment policy.

Hockey says he is coming to the cricket to discuss.

Sigh.

6:00pm

Backbenchers have seen me at cricket with Abbott. Constant phone calls. Very angry they have not been consulted. Demands from many backbenchers that Abbott kill policy before end of Australia’s innings.

6:30pm

Just finished dinner with Australian team.

Abbott spent time with David Warner. Abbott believes Warner is archetypal Australian. Has new quote “so goes Warner, so goes the country”. Warner is against idea of $20 co-payment and thinks “incentivisation” sounds like “fucking Hindi”.

Abbott thinks he should take the advice. Plans to talk to Warner further after innings.

7:00pm

Hockey calls. Refused entry to SCG on the basis of dress code: jeans had a hole.

Told Hockey relax; David Warner has almost talked Abbott out of new policy.

Hockey does not relax.

7:45pm

Warner still batting. Will probably make century.

Inform Abbott that Hockey cannot get in to ground. Abbott laughs. Feels we should conduct more meetings at sporting events, going to tennis tomorrow. Wants to pick Lleyton Hewitt’s brain about submarines.

PM orders another beer. Is that four?
 
Must save PM from himself.

8:30pm

Call Susan Ley (Health Minister). Ley is on cruise ship. Does not want to talk.

Explain that Abbott wants to ditch new co-payment policy.

Ley did not know we had new policy. Explain policy.

Ley alarmed, but feels this can wait until next week.

Demand Ley calls journalists before end of Dave Warner’s innings, and do press conference tomorrow morning. Abbott is out of control. We need to kill policy without consulting him.

9:15pm

Australia win. Abbott and I join Australian team at post-match drinks in night-club.

Feel too old for this, but Abbott suggests I relax.

10:00pm

Warner and Abbott deep in conversation: mostly discussing sledging. Both agree that while actual prowess at career is important, sledging is just as important.